Oops I did it again
Getting unstuck from negative thoughts, a protest and more
A week ago we celebrated my husband’s birthday. He is a gem of a person so it’s not hard to celebrate him. In fact, every year I want to throw him a big party, invite a bunch of people, make a huge spread and go big! But he never wants that. In fact, when he turned 40 I threw him a party at a local brewery and we had a huge fight because he really didn’t want it. I realize that birthdays are personal and everyone has a different idea of what it means to celebrate another year older. But are birthdays not in some small way also about the people who love that person? Shouldn’t they have a chance to show the person how much they are loved in whatever way they choose? I guess we’ll have to disagree.
My daughter shows her love on special occasions by creating the most beautiful cards. She is a very good artist and she puts a lot of care into them. I love receiving them. For her dad this year she made one with a drawing of a bird on the cover (he’s really into birding right now and is trying to identify as many birds as he can around our neighborhood). Inside, she wrote how much she loves him. She also wrote “You are my favorite person in the whole world.”
I feel stupid admitting this but I’m going to do it anyway: That was a gut punch. I felt so jealous and so sad when I read that. If he is her number one, what does that make me? I know everything is not always about me. But this felt personal. I couldn’t help it. Daniel looked at me and could see the emotion on my face and tried to say something funny. He then went on to open his presents and we ate ice cream cake. But I thought about it all evening, when I went to bed, and the next day.
Here’s what went on in my messed up mind: My daughter doesn’t love me as much as she loves her dad. This is all my fault. I’ve done something to make this true. I am not a good mother. She feels safer with him. This must be because of my mental health struggles over the past few years. She is hurt. She doesn’t trust me. What can I do to make things better? And on and on. I lost sleep over it. I really beat myself up. I do this a lot, unfortunately. This is one of the ways that trauma still exists in my brain, hiding in plain sight until something triggers it and I have to face it all over again.
When I went to my therapy appointment the next week we spent most of the hour discussing what had happened. My therapist told me that it was my inner bully again driving the car, making me out to be a bad mom. I told her how upset I was and how I’d taken the whole thing so personally. She asked me if there was any evidence that I was a bad mom or that my daughter loves me less? … (long pause) Ummmm, no?
This line of questioning comes from Cognitive Behavior Therapy. When a troubling thought occurs and I get stuck on it, like I did with this birthday card, I stop and ask some pointed questions which usually illuminate how wrong that thought pattern was and then I try to replace it with something better and more accurate. Changing negative thought patterns which keep me stuck in trauma mindset is a constant struggle for me. I like to think I’m making progress, but then something like this happens and it feels like I’m starting all over again.
I finally let that awful thought go. I replaced “you are not a good mom” with “she does love you and she can love her dad a lot without loving you less,” or something like that. And that’s how I got unstuck. Now I just have to convince myself it’s true.
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On Saturday Daniel and I attended the local “No Kings” protest in Nashville. I was so heartened by the thousands of people who showed up! Protesting may seem like it’s futile, but I disagree. It is one of the only ways we have to express our displeasure with what’s going on in our country in these dark times. I also think it is important to surround ourselves once in a while with other like-minded people to recharge and reconnect. To unite in great numbers, raise our voices and march together in order to take a stand. I’ve been to many protests over the last several years and I’m sure I’ll go to many more. This one felt really good.
What I’m watching: Dept. Q on Netflix, a Scottish crime drama about a detective trying to manage his PTSD from a botched raid in which one of his colleagues died while trying to solve the disappearance of a local prosecutor. Love the grumpy, rage-y main character Carl. He’s so relatable.
What I’m reading: The Antidote by Karen Russell. It’s set in 1930s Nebraska during the Depression and the dust storms. I had a hard time getting into it but I’m liking the fantasy element of the ‘prairie witch’ who charges people money to absorb their deepest secrets. I also recently read Percival Everett’s Pulitzer Prize-winning novel James. OMG. Everyone needs to read this book. I couldn’t put it down. It’s a reinterpretation of the Huckleberry Finn story through the perspective of Jim, the enslaved friend of Huck’s. It’s full of twists and turns, dark and violent moments, and superbly drawn characters. I highly recommend it.
June is more than half over already and wow, has it been a doozy. Political assassinations, illegal ICE raids in our cities, the creeping police state we are living in, and now a possible new war in the Middle East. Hold onto your hats. I don’t think we’ve seen the worst of it yet.